A Million Times Goodnight Read online

  And then my mind did a trippy kaleidoscope twist, taking that single image and turning it live, kicking loose a few of the lost memories I’d been trying to find since a few weeks ago, the night Ben and I had spent alone, celebrating his eighteenth birthday. A celebration that was scattered in bits and pieces through my mind.

  I heard the echo of my voice shouting out, “Go! Fight! Win!” Felt my hair rise off my bare shoulders as I spun around an already spinning room, spirit hands thrust high in the air as I went from performing his birthday present (a private dance that I thought was totally brilliant) to a naked cheer (making fun of Sydney Hall and her minions, of course).

  I wanted to scream. Or melt into the leather seat of Ben’s car. Instead, I opened my eyes, threw the door open, and puked all over the ground.

  Looking at the screen again, I saw that the picture was still there. And it was still me. The worst part, though, was when I realized who had posted the oh-so-private and embarrassing image—the only person who could have a picture of me naked from that night. My boyfriend. Ben Baden.

  Running my finger along the screen of my phone, I scrolled to Ben’s contact information and stabbed his smiling face with my finger, brought the phone to my ear, and listened as the line attempted to connect. One ring. Two. Thr—

  “Where’s my car, Hadley?”

  “How can you even think about your stupid car after posting that picture?”

  “You saw the picture?” His voice was smooth, like warm honey. “Don’t be pissed, Hadley; it’s not a big deal.”

  “Not a big deal?” I asked, my voice shaky, shame smoldering deep inside my chest. “Exactly how is a naked picture of me, posted on Facebook by my boyfriend, not a big deal?”

  “You look hot in that picture. Besides, it’s not like anything’s showing.”

  “Seriously? Ben, you have got to be crazy if you think—”

  “Hey, all I did was post it. I had no idea someone would start tagging all the people in our class.”

  My heart stuttered—threatened to explode—and the shame I’d been trying to hold at bay caught fire, blazing white-hot, searing me from the inside out. “What are you talking about? That’s like three hundred and some people, Ben. A picture of me naked is currently posted on the news feed of every single person in our senior—”

  “Well, not every single person. Definitely not the losers like Jo—”

  “I cannot believe this is happening.”

  “You stole my car, Hadley. You didn’t think I’d do anything to retaliate?”

  “I borrowed your car. To make a point. There’s no way—”

  “What a coincidence. I uploaded that picture to make a point. Did it work?”

  “You can’t even begin to compare the two, Ben. Take the picture down. Now.”

  “I can take the picture down. But I’ll need my car back first.”

  “You think this is some kind of game?”

  “Not really. It’s simple. You have something I need.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? Just take the damn picture down and—”

  “Get your ass back here.” His voice turned hard. Cold. “Then I’ll take it down.”

  He said something else, but static sliced the words in half. To avoid losing the connection, I walked to the front of the car, crossing the beam of the headlights and leaning back on the hood, one foot tucked behind me so that the bottom of my shoe ground into the hood ornament and the shiny black paint. It would have driven Ben crazy if he’d been there to see me.

  That’s when I noticed Brooklyn and Mia stumbling back from the shadows, both of them holding phones that illuminated their faces, which were pinched with anger. I knew that they knew, and seeing them, feeling their rage, gave me a burst of strength.

  I didn’t want to go back to that party to face Ben, knowing what he had done. To face everyone else, knowing what they had seen. “You’re really going to play this game, Ben? Because I swear to God, I’ll win.” I wasn’t sure where that last part had come from—maybe a little spark of my inner Penny—but it sounded good. I just wished I believed it was true.

  “You can’t beat me, Hadley. Don’t even try.” He sounded so calm. I was starting to feel a little crazy. Daring, too.

  “Wanna bet?”

  “Hadley. I’m serious.”

  “I am, too. Take the picture down.”

  “Listen, you don’t understand what’s going on here.” I noticed a change in Ben’s voice, a hint of weariness settling in. “You need to get your ass back to this party in the next five minutes or else—”

  “Or else what? You’ll post a naked picture of me on Facebook?” I laughed, slicing my finger across the screen, ending the call.

  “What’s going on?” Brooklyn asked, turning her phone toward me until I was facing that naked and way too happy version of myself again.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, ducking my head. “I kind of gave Ben a private dance for his birthday a few weeks ago.”

  “And you let him document it?” Mia asked.

  “I didn’t let him,” I said, my eyes snapping open. “Look, to be honest, I hardly remember anything from that night, okay? But Ben says he’s not taking the picture down until I bring his car back.”

  “I’m sorry, what?” Brooklyn asked. “The car he loaned you? I know you didn’t tell him about our little tribute to Penny, but he knew we were going to Circle K. Didn’t he ask you to get him a pack of cigarettes?”

  “That’s not exactly how it happened…. I kind of snagged the keys from the pocket of his jacket and left. After he told me not to.”

  Mia bit her lip. “You didn’t.”

  “It was stupid, I know. But he’s been distracted lately. I wanted to see how long it would take him to notice I’d disappeared. The cigarettes were supposed to be a peace offering.”

  “So, that’s the reason for the picture?” Brooklyn asked. “Payback?”

  “I thought this thing with Ben was going to be different for you.” Mia sighed. “Let’s get out of here.” She waved a hand in the air and started for the passenger-side door. “We’ll go back to the party and make him take that picture down.”

  “Not so fast,” I said. “I need to think.”

  “What’s there to think about?” Brooklyn leaned against the car’s hood. “We take the car back, and he’ll pull the picture off Facebook, spewing apologies until you forgive him. Or break up with him. No pressure, but after this, I totally vote for option two.”

  I shook my head. “Everyone’s already seen the picture. I have to do something. Something to take him down.”

  “Ben Baden?” Brooklyn and Mia asked simultaneously, staring at me as if I’d lost touch with reality.

  I nodded, feeling a shift deep inside me. It was as though the Ben I thought I knew had never really existed.

  “What are you gonna do?” Mia asked. “Ben’s, like, untouchable.”

  I rolled my eyes. “No one is untouchable. And you’re forgetting that I have something he wants.” I pushed off the car, reached my hand in the pocket of my fleece jacket and felt the bag of Skittles, then started walking toward the tower’s door, which was centered in the bluish beam of the headlights. “I need a few minutes, okay?”

  “Hadley, where are you going?” Brooklyn called after me.

  “You can’t go in there!” Mia shouted, her voice echoing through the trees.

  I made my way through the opening, my eyes locking on an abandoned umbrella, popped open and leaning against the brick. It glowed in the headlights—a tiny, fallen star against the shadowy tower wall.

  “Don’t you dare make us come after you!”

  Swallowed by shadows so thick I felt blind, I walked up the spiral staircase, my footsteps echoing throughout the round chamber. It was steel—such old, cold steel. It creaked and it shuddered, but it held. It had always held me.

  My hand slid along the railing.

  My feet glided with no effort, even in the darkness.

  A
nd then I was at the top.

  Walking across the open, flat roof of the tower.

  Watching the trees toss themselves in a wild show.

  Seeing the stars winking and blinking.

  Feeling the air wash me clean.

  Gripping the stone wall and peering over the edge, I didn’t know if I felt like laughing or crying. The only thing I knew for sure was that I had to act. Fast.

  My eyes locked on the memorial. I thought of Penny and wondered what she would do. She was as fearless as she was loyal. Nothing ever held her back. I wanted that kind of freedom. I would have done anything to claim it for a single night.

  And then I heard him.

  I’m not sure if it was the scuffle of his shoe against the stone floor. Or maybe the zipper of his jacket grazing the wall. It could have been his hand, rustling something as it dipped into the open pocket of his backpack.

  Suddenly, he was there. Sitting beside me, hiding in the shadows as if he’d been waiting for me all night. Staring up with his eyes wide open, reflecting the moonlight and the starlight and maybe even a little of my fear.

  He was the last person I’d ever expect to find at the top of the tower, and in one instant, as I stood there looking down at him, I remembered everything. Everything I’d spent nearly a year trying to forget.

  “Josh,” I said, my voice shaking, trembling. “Josh Lane.”

  3

  THE WITCHES’ TOWER – 9:33 PM

  I STARED at him, taking in all the details: how after that first moment of recognition, his eyes wouldn’t meet mine; the way his hand seemed to be hiding in the depths of the backpack propped against his side; how his legs stretched out in front of him, looking as strong as they’d ever been, even though I knew they weren’t.

  He pulled his hand free, lightning fast, and zipped the main pocket of his backpack closed, tossing it over his shoulder as he stood. And then we were face-to-face.

  “Last person you’d ever expect to find up here?” he asked.

  I flinched. I couldn’t help it. “You could say that.”

  He smiled. For a moment, he looked like his old self. The one I remembered from cross-country meets before he was forced to quit running. The smile he wore when he led me through the woods during practice, taunting me with his favorite line: catch me if you can. But his smile was sad and was gone as quickly as it had appeared, a too-familiar emptiness washing away any trace of the guy I had once known. Josh hung his head, his sandy-colored hair falling to cover his eyes, as if he’d just remembered that the thing we had between us was as dead as Penny Rawlins.

  “Sorry to intrude.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. “I walked up here and … I didn’t see you.”

  He grunted. “Most people try not to these days.”

  An awkward silence fell over us, stretching out like a string of the taffy I’d passed on the shelves back at Circle K.

  I wanted to get away from him—no one talked to Josh Lane, not anymore, and with all of our history, the emotions swirling through me were actually making me dizzy—but if I turned at that moment, it would have been obvious I was running. And I hated thinking I’d become that kind of person.

  So I reached into my pocket and yanked out the bag of Skittles just to have something else to focus on.

  He looked over the side of the tower. “You with them?”

  I followed his gaze to find Brooklyn and Mia standing in front of Ben’s car, backlit by the bright headlights, staring up at us with craned necks. “Yeah.”

  “Is someone up there with you?” Mia shouted, her voice echoing.

  “Get your ass down here, Hadley!” Brooklyn punctuated her demand by stomping her sandaled foot, the sound crack-crack-cracking the night in two.

  Josh took a step toward me and looked down at my friends. “It looks like they’re about to explode into a mushroom cloud of glitter and silly string.”

  “They’ve always been afraid of the tower.” I let out a short laugh. “I’m pretty sure they think it’s cursed. They’re freaked that I’d even consider walking up here by myself.”

  “Oh, yeah?” Josh turned back to face me. “They must not know you very well.”

  I thought about that, how my history with this tower went further back than the night we lost Penny. The irony was that this guy, whom I really didn’t know at all anymore, knew something about me that neither of my best friends ever had. As I stood there, the stars spinning above us, my eyes met his, and another memory fought its way to the surface: my back pressed against the rough, gray stones of the tower’s chamber, the heat of his hands on my skin, the silk of his lips against mine, the rise and fall of his chest—

  “No way!” Josh said, one finger pointing toward the purple-tinted sky, breaking my memories into a million pieces and flinging them back to the past.

  I looked just in time to see a star racing through the night sky, its tail a fiery, sparkling white.

  “Make a wish?” Josh asked.

  I did. A silent wish that I’d be given everything I needed to make Ben regret what he’d done.

  Shaking my head, I focused my attention on finding the tear in the bag of candy. It crinkled, my fingers slipping across the plastic, but I couldn’t get it open. I wasn’t sure if it was just nerves from being alone with Josh or if it was my anger at Ben over that stupid picture.

  Josh grabbed the bag from me and, in one swift movement, unwrapped the corner I’d folded over to keep the candies from spilling out.

  “Can I have some?” he asked.

  I nodded, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu. For a moment, it was comforting and familiar, and it almost wiped everything away—my history with Josh, Ben and his threats, Penny’s death…. But the moment passed, and I pulled myself back to the reality that nothing about Josh would ever be comforting again.

  He turned the bag sideways, pouring a few Skittles onto the palm of his hand, popping one into his mouth. “Grape,” he said. “My favorite.”

  My gaze darted to the ground, to Josh’s dark-green Converse shoes, and traveled up his legs, pausing on his scarred knees, before moving up his cargo shorts, over his wrinkled Heineken T-shirt, across the straps of the black backpack he always wore, and stopped on his face. Standing there, staring at him, I realized I had been granted my wish. My way to switch things up. To do something drastic. I wanted to get it right. To get my revenge against Ben so that I’d have no regrets. Now I knew exactly how to begin.

  “Hey, Josh. You need a ride?”

  His eyes crinkled with confusion, as if he hadn’t heard correctly. I was supposed to hate him, just like everyone else. I had more reason to. But I couldn’t.

  I knew my idea was crazy. Dangerous. Like purposely triggering a trip wire just to see how big the explosion would be. But I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t want to.

  “There’s this party.” My eyes never left his. “Or I could take you wherever you’re going. Whatever. I just thought you might need a ride since—”

  Everyone knew Josh’s car had been totaled last year, and now he walked or rode his bike everywhere. I blew out a deep breath, wishing I’d just kept my mouth shut. Using Josh Lane to get back at Ben was a bad idea. Besides, it wasn’t as though he’d ever take me up on my offer.

  But then Josh met my eyes. Parted his lips. And spoke grape-scented words: “Are you referring to the party? Up in Spring Heights?”

  All of a sudden, he was this normal version of himself—the Josh he would have been if everything that happened last year hadn’t—as if heading to the closest kegger was standard operating procedure.

  “You know about it?”

  “Who doesn’t?”

  It was like time stopped. Spring Heights said it all—top of the line as far as popularity at Oak Grove High. Money and shiny new cars. Alcohol. Drugs. And people who hated Josh Lane.

  He pressed his lips together for a few seconds then swiped his hair out of his eyes, straightening up and pulling his shoulders back.

  “Yea
h,” he said. “I could do a party. Why not?”

  4

  THE WITCHES’ TOWER – 9:43 PM

  “JESUS, HADLEY, I thought you were never going to come down.” Brooklyn stood in the beam of the headlights, breaking the glare, so Josh and I remained in shadow as we exited the tower door and started toward the car.

  Mia swayed in and out of the light. “Wait, who’s with you?”

  “Josh.” My voice was solid and sure. “Josh Lane.”

  “As if,” Brooklyn said.

  “Isn’t it, like, sacrilege to say his name around here? Especially tonight?” Mia huffed. “Besides, that freak would never in a million years come back to this tower.”

  Brooklyn swatted at Mia’s arm and said something I couldn’t hear, obviously recognizing the figure looming behind me.

  “Holy shit. It really is him.” Mia’s voice tensed with anger.

  I looked at Josh, who was staring at those dark-green Converse shoes.

  “He’s coming back to the party with us,” I said, stopping in front of my friends.

  “What?” Brooklyn crossed her arms over her chest and tipped her head to the side. Prime bitch stance.

  “Is that really a good idea?” Mia asked. “There’s the obvious reason, obviously. But considering everything that happened between you two …”

  “It’ll piss Ben off, won’t it?”

  “Wait a minute,” Josh said, taking a step back. “You only invited me to piss off your boyfriend?”

  I looked Josh right in the eyes, thinking how much more there was to it than that. “If I remember correctly, you always thought Ben Baden was a self-centered prick.”

  “Well, yeah, but—”

  “So you’re in by default, right?”

  “Depends,” Josh said. “What’d he do to piss you off so badly that you want to drag me to a party?”

  “Nothing.”